oh. my. god.

A bug. Crawled into. My ear. When I was sleeping.

I have had a mini-phobia about this very event since I saw a movie called Mountains of the Moon in 1990. In this film, as Richard Burton (played by Patrick Bergin) and John Speke (played by Iain Glen) search for the source of the Nile, a brain-boring beetle crawls into John Speke's ear canal one night. To kill it before it reaches his brain, they are forced to pour hot wax into his ear, rupturing his eardrum and rendering him half deaf. In this event, he also begins to go crazy from the little insect legs making crawly sounds and he never quite recovers his senses. And indeed, it is a wives tale that the crawling and buzzing of an insect in the ear will drive a man mad.

Now, my little trauma wasn't quite that severe but it has creeped me out to no end. Instead of a brain-boring beetle, I had very misguided ant in my ear. A wriggling in my right ear canal woke me up screaming and violently shaking my head. Even in this sleepy, panicked state, I had the sense to not stick my finger in my ear and squish it in there even further. Through some combination of shaking and slapping and squirming, I managed to dislodge the animal, screaming all the while. Christopher was rather puzzled, but comforting. And while it was all over very quickly, it was certainly the longest 10 seconds of my life.

Of course, going back to sleep was impossible. It was 5 am. You know how you feel when you see one little bug crawl on you? How you get all itchy and feel bugs all over your body, even though you know that there are no bugs? Well, I had that and also I think that 10 seconds was just about enough time to at least start to drive me insane. As Christopher fell back to sleep, I set about exploring the options open to me for ensuring that this never, ever happens again.

I first considered wearing earmuffs to bed. Perhaps in some future post, that may be possible, but here in Chennai, I decided, it might be a little too warm. Besides, I don't think that they would stay on very well and they would probably give me a headache.

I then decided to wear earplugs. However, I have never been able to tolerate things in my ears and I think that they might drive my just as crazy as the bugs. I can't even stand things touching my ears, which is why I hate wearing hats in the winter.

Sleeping with a plastic bag over my head was quickly ruled out, for obvious reasons.

I finally decided, after a few hours of contemplation, that the only real solution is for me to just never sleep again. That way, no ants will be able to sneak up on me. On those occasions when I do feel a need to close my eyes for a moment, I intend to do so in an upright position and with two trusted servants at the bedside; one to watch each ear.

Funnily enough, you really could hire people to do that here. Job creation is a big concern.